Definitely probably

 I was walking out to my car when I crossed paths with a resident and a young man in earnest conversation. It looked like a grandma and her grandson. I caught just a whisp of their conversation as the young man said, “I definitely probably will go there.”

I had to chuckle, wondering if the guy realized he had just canceled out any certainty of going “there” (a graduate school?). Can anything happen definitely probably?

Well, maybe. Maybe he meant that this particular university was definitely an option and that he’d probably choose it. Maybe that’s what he meant. But probably not.

That’s just the way people talk, without much thought to the meanings of words or to the logic of their combinations.

On the other hand, there’s something appealing about “definitely probably.” Opposites often marry, with interesting results. The staunch firmness of “definitely” plus the wishy-washy sense of “probably” add up to an ambivalence that is characteristic of life.

I’m frequently always ambivalent. Sometimes I’m certain of something, but not sure it applies to me. Something can be absolutely true, but a bit iffy at the same time.

Example: when I was young, I understood that all people eventually grow old. I loved my grandparents. I noticed old people in the city park sitting on benches and wondered what they did when they were not in the park. As for me, old age would probably happen, but I couldn’t picture it or even really believe it applied to me.

Well. Happy birthday to me. As I write this, I have just turned 77 years old. Definitely.

But even now, I have a list of definite probables. Here’s a sample:

--I definitely probably will, sort of, keep getting older.

--I rather imagine my body will rebel in ways I can’t now imagine.

--It’s a possibility that a park bench will become more and more attractive.

--It’s definitely probable that I might become a widow someday.

--Death, of course, is the ultimate definite probability.

And yet….

Choose life, the Scriptures tell us (Deuteronomy 30:19-20). Whatever age you are, Choose life!

I have a choice to get out of bed every morning and either groan or say, Yes! I thank you, God, for most this amazing day! (Thank you, ee cummings.) I can choose to eat an orange, exercise to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons (or just one of them), hug Hal, write a poem, hug a tree, or sing (as long as no one else is around).

On bad days, I don’t do any of this. But even then, that’s a choice I make.

Today I’m 77 and I choose life. I may even remind my kids that it’s my birthday. And I will thank God that Hal remembers. (I reminded him last week.) I will thank God for the definites and trust him for the probables.

It’s looking like a good day.