A modest proposal

 These days I don’t know if I’m on a roller coaster or living through an earthquake. Things are shaking and rattling and I miss the steady solid ground I used to think of as the United States of America. 

Indicative of this movement are the proposals to change names: the Gulf of Mexico/America; Denali/Mt. Mckinley. What other name changes await us?

But I’ve been thinking. Maybe I should not protest so much, but rather enter into the spirit of our changing times and come up with some new names of my own. In fact, I’m ready to go even further than our present leadership and modestly propose that we change the name of our nation. It needs to better reflect the spirit of the age.

But first, some background information: You probably remember from primary school that our country got its name, America, from an explorer and navigator named Americus Vespucius.* The history surrounding this man is spurious, with different versions circulating. One thing we do know is that Columbus beat him to the mysterious new lands in 1492. Vespucius may have made two voyages on behalf of Spain and then Portugal between 1497 and 1502. He found Brazil around 1501, which shouldn’t have been difficult, what with Brazil being so big. The size of Brazil led him to the conclusion that this was not part of the Indies as was still believed (even by Columbus). No, this was a whole new continent! This conclusion is considered Vespucius’ real contribution.

Vespucius wrote two books describing what he called “the New World.” Although his authorship is now disputable, the books under his name became widely popular in Europe. Then along comes a cartographer named Martin Waldseemuller who took the descriptions from the books and drew a map of the New World, labeling it “America,” in honor of the supposed author who may or may not have actually voyaged there. The history gets a bit dicey. Other map-makers refined Waldseemuller’s work, continuing to name the continents America. Gradually, informally, this became the name of the New World. In 1776 the Second Continental Congress officially named our country the United States of America.

Both Vespucius and Colombus were dead by this time and did not know the honor, or slight, that had been paid to them. I, however, have a problem with the name. I feel very patriotic about the name America, from childhood connecting it with equality, dignity, integrity, honesty, and welcome. But I’m willing to part with it. Even if Americus Vespucius’ part in our national story is dubious, the founding fathers should have chosen his last name, rather than his first name. (Colombia and Bolivia did it right.)

Therefore, I propose that the name of our country be changed to the United States of Vespucius. It sounds much more imperial and in keeping with our new developing image. It even sounds volcanic, as in, “If all you other nations don’t follow my lead, Mt. Vespucius will erupt and you’ll all be sorry!”

I admit, there are some problems with my proposal. In the case of a miraculous bi-partisan passage by Congress, it might be hard to adjust to changing our great national hymns. “God Bless Vespucius”? “Vespucius the Beautiful”? And then there’s that national anthem beloved by all, “Here She Comes! Miss Vespucius!”

Gardeners would have to become accustomed to the Vespucian Beauty Rose, and immigrants would need to place their hope in the Vespucian Dream. We would need to take pride in products that are Made-in-Vespucius. And our national motto would need to shift to Make Vespucius Great Again (MVGA). Could we do it?

Maybe. Maybe not. Of course it probably won’t happen in my life time, but I will do my part and present my modest proposal.

What do you think?

*Note: Americus Vespucius is our hero’s Latin name. He is also known as Amerigo Vespucci (Italian) and Américo Vespucio (Spanish). Just so you know.