Limitations, loss--and future gain

No one likes to be called a quitter. Nasty word, quitter. I’ve never seen myself as a quitter, although I do have some dark memories of times I just gave up. But mostly I pushed through the darkness and found a way.

That’s changing as I age, and I don’t like it. I would rather expand that be pulled back by limitations. But it seems that knowing and accepting our limitations is the new name of this game called growing older.

For some time now my body has been telling me to slow down. Chronic dizziness and fatigue have made some of the leadership roles I’ve loved seem more like burdens than joys. Recently I gave up leadership in a Sunday class I love; serving in the capacity of class coordinator was life-giving and I felt as though I were making a contribution. But when something that once was light starts becoming heavy, you know it’s time to let go and let other people step in. So I did. But not without a tinge of grief.

And now I’m in the process of finding someone else to edit the community journal I began some nine years ago. It’s become a way for people in this retirement community to tell their stories and I’ve loved being part of the group that puts this together once a quarter. But, again, my spirit tells me it’s time to let go.

Our plot in the community garden, my guitar and ambitions of becoming a classical guitarist (foolish, considering I have no music gene in my DNA)—these are other things I’m giving up. It’s time.

All of this makes me wonder if I’m losing my voice, along with my active roles. Will I now just melt into the background, become dimmer and dimmer until nobody even remembers my name?

Now that’s pathetic. It’s me at my worse, and I don’t always grovel at that level. Actually, I get hints that letting all this float up off my shoulders might in some way free my spirit to focus on the things that matter most. I hope that’s true.

I had a strange dream the other night. I still remember it, so that tells me to pay attention. In the dream Hal died (the worse part of the dream) and the rest of the dream focused on how I expressed my grief. In short, I went mute. I stopped talking. I lost language. With family members or in groups of people, I made myself melt into the background. In time, people seemed to accept it.

One night, still in my dream, I was with a small group of close friends and people were sharing their prayer requests. I sat and listened, mute as usual. But then as we went into a time of prayer, my tongue was loosed. I began praying for my friends, out loud, with wisdom and discernment. With compassion. It surprised everyone, myself included.

Then I woke up.

As I’ve been processing the dream, I’ve decided it was not prophetic. I’ve not been given a warning that Hal will soon die, although I know we’ll both die someday. And it’s not telling me that when all else fails, pray. No. I think it’s about facing loss and letting myself grieve the losses, even if that means a time of silence to sit with the absences. But there is something good on the other side, something I can do well and that will give meaning in this time of life.

I believe that. In fact, I do want to learn how to pray better and how to settle into more fruitful times of worship and intercession. I want to learn how to do silence and contemplation better (meaning more than five minutes at a stretch). I’m making time for this.

I now have more time for writing; I’ve still got poems to write, stories to tell, memories to mine. And I’m fulfilling my hope of refreshing my ability to read the New Testament in Greek. I’ve lost a lot since my seminary days, but it’s coming back little by little. And it’s lots of fun.

And then there’s people time, of course. More time for long conversations, for reading books and talking about them with other book-lovers, for just being with the people I love.

As often happens when I write this blog, I’m processing my situation and coming to a place of hope. Journeying from negative to positive. From grief to joy. I haven’t arrived yet, at least not consistently, but I feel better about it all. I hope you also find yourself encouraged.

A strange phenomenon

 Recently I tuned in to a TV documentary. It was a series that explored strange phenomena, anything from UFOs to Brazilian insects or ancient civilizations. This particular week’s topic was the phenomenon of old ladies.

Who are they? Where did they come from? How long have they existed? What threat do they pose to contemporary life?

Images flashed across the TV screen, scenes of the clichéd aproned mid-western grandmother, apple pie in hand; the fashionable silver-haired Broadway babe; and various crones from around the world, care-worn and grim-faced. Old ladies all.

The show’s moderator was an earnest yet engaging professorial type in a casual sweater and tie, fairly old himself. He introduced the expert from Harvard University. Dr. Hershberger, dean of the department of gerontology, is currently leading a team of researchers doing an in-depth investigation of the relationship between the percentage of old ladies in a given society and the amount of street violence in that same context. The expert was poised on the cusp of a serious comment …

when I woke up.

I chuckled and wondered what that was all about.

It reminds me of a quote by Dorothy Sayers: “Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.”

I guess we can be pretty scary creatures.

I wonder what, if anything, my subconscious was trying to tell me with that dream. I don’t personally feel like I’m a scary person and I can’t imagine me starting a street riot. I barely have the energy to participate in a protest march for a cause I believe in.

I do sometimes scare myself, like when I’m walking downtown and catch my reflection in a store window. So old! That white hair! That can’t be me! But it is.

I worry myself more than frighten myself. If I get so tired today, what will I be like in ten years? What happens when our pension runs out? When will I lose my balance and fall? (That almost seems inevitable.) What if my grandkids get bored and don’t come to see me anymore? And on and on.

Old age is definitely a phenomenon, although not likely one to be featured on a program of strange and exotic creatures. We're all too common. We’re everywhere!

Maybe the heart of this dream is the realization that I sometimes seem strange and exotic to myself. Weird might be a better word. I never planned on being old. As a young person, I knew that would never happen to me. I knew I would die someday, but the road to death was blurry. Unthinkable. That’s why a glance at my reflection now disorients me.

I think I need to reorient my perspective and laugh. I may frighten myself at times and worry myself, but I can also make myself laugh. After all, that was a pretty preposterous dream.

I will remind myself that I’m am a beloved daughter of my heavenly Father. I am also beloved by the people I love and that some of them even think I’m beautiful. (Imagine that!) I will remind myself that I can still make a contribution to the welfare and happiness of others. I can write poems, pray for my grandchildren, teach a class (occasionally), encourage others, edit a journal of stories, vote in the elections, and play Mexican Train.

Maybe we are sort of strange (depending on who’s looking at us). Maybe some academics do study us—our habits, relationships, medications, sleep patterns, emotions, and so on. Maybe some people see us as a phenomenon of nature rather than as regular persons. And maybe we are scary to some people.

Actually, the scary part sounds like fun!

Too much chicken gumbo

 I admit it. I don’t like to cook. I did okay when the kids were at home, but now that I’m retired, I really would rather leave this part of life behind. But I live in an independent-living apartment here in the retirement community, complete with a kitchen. We eat most of our meals in the apartment. That means a certain amount of cooking. Hal fixes breakfast, while I try to figure out lunch and dinner. We go downstairs to eat in the community dining room as often as we can.

One way I cope with cooking here at home is every few weeks to fix a big pot of soup or a large casserole, then freeze portions for future meals. A few weeks ago, I cooked a large pot of modified chicken gumbo soup (modified because I substitute corn for okra, not being an okra fan). It’s pretty tasty. I fixed enough for six meals, which is probably two too many, but the freezer looks well stocked.

The following night I dreamed I made a kettle-full of chicken gumbo, enough for 20 people. It was for a church potluck. After I lugged the kettle to the church, I discovered the event had been cancelled. So there I was, with ten gumbo meals. Did I want all that? No. In fact I totally lost my taste for chicken gumbo. So much so that I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth.

The dream was not really about chicken gumbo. And it was not a message from God. My sub-conscious was drudging up a fear it thought I should face. Dreams do that sometimes. This one was about me as a writer.

I’ve been writing magazine columns and blogs for over 40 years. I’ve generally been well received. When I read back over all this stuff (and there’s a lot!), I actually like most of it and don’t want it to die. So I got an idea. I would gather the best reflections and stories and see if I could publish a collection.

After the initial enthusiasm for the project, my inner hidden critic sat up and smirked. “You were younger when you wrote all that,” he reminded me. “Your fans are all dead. No one knows you now. No living person could possibly be interested. Besides, you’re not that great a writer.”

The critic even gets biblical, quoting Ecclesiastes: “Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh” (12:12). “Give it up, Nancy,” he continues to goad. “Be retired. Really retired. Read books. Watch movies. Just sit there and relax.” These are genuine temptations.

What the dream tells me is that I suspect (fear) that I’ve made too much literary chicken gumbo. And left in the okra.

Self-doubt is a temptation for many writers and artists, not just us introverts. I’ve dealt with this all my life.

But it’s not just writers, artists, and musicians. I think it’s a common temptation of the elderly to look back and doubt the value of their life’s work. Perhaps not all the time, and probably not all older people struggle with this. But I’ve observed that it’s fairly common. “Was it all worth it? What have I actually done with my life? Am I leaving behind a legacy worth passing on? Will anyone remember me after I’m gone?”

Some observations: 1) Becoming a mature person is a life-time prospect; it doesn’t stop when we become 70. 2) Part of maturity is coming to terms with our past, knowing that in spite of the inevitable mistakes and unmet goals, God can take what we’ve offered to him and bless it for his ongoing purposes. 3) Our ultimate value comes from being God’s beloved sons and daughters. 4) Our legacy is in God’s hands.

I’m writing to myself here, reminding myself of what I thought I already knew. I need a lot of reminders. 

Even after I’m dead. Hal and I arranged to have this engraved on our memorial plaque: “May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish, Thou, the work of our hands” (Psalm 92:17).

I think I’ll go ahead and publish that collection of past reflections and stories.

In the meantime, I’d be glad to share my chicken gumbo with you. I’ve lots of it.

Old souls or dead fish?

 I was planning on writing this blog as a reflection on a book I just read, The Making of an Old Soul: Aging as the Fulfillment of Life’s Promise. The book itself sounded promising. As I got into it, I grew enthusiastic and began highlighting many sentences and even paragraphs. “This is good stuff,” I told myself, with my usual intellectual insight.

But before I finished, I was having second thoughts about the book. I was going to write the blog last night, but these pesky second thoughts were battling in my brain, so I decided to postpone the writing and sleep on it. A good night’s sleep often clarifies matters.

But I woke up early this morning with a crazy dream. I believe in the importance of dreams, the dreams you remember. Most of my dreams I forget the moment I wake up. They entice me and I want to hold onto them, but it’s like grabbing a fistful of mist. Nothing stays. But if a dream remains in my mind, I know it’s important. It might be a message from God. Seriously. Sometimes that happens. Mostly, though, my dreams tell me something about myself, something it would be good for me to attend to.

Dream analysis can be tricky and I’m no psychologist. Writing a dream usually helps me make sense of it. And, of course, if I don’t write it down immediately, I’ll forget it by the end of the morning. Even remembered dreams are elusive. They can slip away like a wet fish in the hand.

Speaking of fish, that’s what last night’s dream was about. And since I have not yet reached any conclusion about the old-souls book, I’m going to write my dream here in this blog and let you help me interpret it.

Okay. Here goes.

I was on a road trip with someone (who? the details are already slipping away), and we were parked in a small, run-down town out in nowhere. We got a meal in a local café and then were about to leave when we were apprehended by the law. With no explanations, the sheriff grabbed us and took us to the local jail. I was pleading for mercy. The sheriff impounded my car, put my companion in jail, and said he would go easy on me if I would do him the favor of delivering a load of fish to some restaurant in Los Angeles.

I agreed. The sheriff and his men then loaded a bunch of fish, including a huge tuna, into the back seat of a gold-painted station wagon, gave me the keys, and waved good-bye.

I drove off quickly, wanting to get away from the whole scene. Apparently, I didn’t give a thought to my companion back in the town jail. He just disappears from the dream. I also didn’t give a thought to the fact that these fish had not been packed in ice and placed in a container. They were just lying on the floor and back seat. 

It wasn’t too long before I did give that a thought.

I was driving through the desert. It looked like Death Valley (through which I have actually driven, in real life). As the day progressed and the sun got higher in the sky, I thought about those fish. My nose thought about them. Although the car had air-conditioning, it was so hot outside, the fish were beginning to stink. And it dawned on me just how mean and nasty that sheriff was. This fish delivery thing was merely revenge.

Soon I had to stop the car and do something about the whole mess. I had no idea how far it was to Los Angeles.  I got out. The desert sun beat down with such intensity it gave me a headache. I opened the back door and began tossing fish to the side of the road. It was hard when I got the huge tuna, but with lots of tugging and sweating and panting and cursing the sheriff, I managed to drag the thing out of the car. Only to discover that underneath all the fish lay a corpse.

On that note I woke up.

Can you see why I need help in interpretation?

I don’t think this dream was a message from God.

So, what is it trying to tell me about myself? Why was this dream important enough to be remembered? 

(At this point, you’re probably wishing I had stuck with a reflection on old souls.)

Interpretation begins with observations and questions. Who was my companion and why did he just disappear? Who was the sheriff? It seems obvious that he did not represent the law since justice never entered the dream. And the fish? The gold station-wagon? The desert? Who was the dead man?

Does this have anything to do with growing older?

Or is it something else?

A little while ago Hal came in from his early morning walk and I shared the dream with him. He’s the best dream-interpreter I know. He immediately connected the dream to the current political situation in our country and told me it could be a reflection of my fears. He might be right.

Last night I watched the evening news with Hal. I had previously decided I wouldn’t do that anymore as it can be too upsetting, but something seems to draw me to the TV. Partly it’s because it’s been our routine for years, to watch the evening news together and then discuss the issues. But because of the tension and chaos in our national life, I’d decided to take a break and get my news through other sources. Last night I gave in and joined Hal in front of the TV. It was, of course, upsetting.

Then we went to bed, but I couldn’t get to sleep, which is not surprising. So I got up and went out to the living room to pray. I prayed for our national leaders. I prayed for Congress and the Supreme Court. I prayed for all the people in other countries who are paying the consequences of the abrupt cutting off of aid. I prayed for the thousands of federal workers now without a job. I prayed for my Hispanic friends here in town who live with increased levels of fear and insecurity. I lamented and called out for mercy. Then I went back to bed and slept.

And early this morning—the dream.

Does the dream symbolically reflect reality? Or my perception of reality? It’s undoubtedly a projection of my fears.

And I need to face the fears.

I don’t think I’ll want to eat fish in the near future. That’s a problem since the retirement community serves lots of fish. I usually like it.

Next week’s blog—no fish or corpses. I promise. Old souls.

PS: Please let me know your take on the dream.

Writing down the small stuff

 I’ve been teaching a series of classes on “Writing Your Life Stories.” The class is mostly older adults, each with a lifetime of experiences and memories. These experiences and memories comprise a legacy to pass down to grandchildren, friends, even organizations and churches.

Since the idea of writing a memoir or autobiography can be daunting, I’ve been emphasizing the small stuff, memories of single events or relationships that even now evoke a smile, a laugh, or a grimace. Stuff you wish your brand-new great grandson would know about you someday, so he could smile, laugh or grimace along with you. So he could know you.

Small stuff can be a response to a prompt: “The time my prank got me into big trouble,” “The ugliest clothes I ever wore,” “My most interesting job,” “What I learned from my dad,” “When God answered my prayer,” “The time I thought I’d lose my life,” “How I met my husband/wife.” And so on. You get the idea. Small stuff includes the funny stories you tell time and again in family reunions. Those are stories worth writing down.

One idea I gave was that of writing a series of stories around a certain theme. I shared my friend’s collection of stories of his encounters with animals. Gary has traveled widely, so the stories included lions, as well as local critters—deer, birds, and the owl that stole his hat from off his head. He put these stories into a book (shutterfly.com) that included photographs and gave one to each of his grandkids.

Another friend read in class one of the stories from his collection of times God answered a prayer.

That gave me inspiration to begin making my own collection.

I’ve been reading through my old journals, being inspired, entertained, and appalled at things in my past. Some experiences I definitely want my descendants to know. A few pages I tore out and shredded. But overall, I’ve been delighted to stand back and see the growth. Among other things, I’ve recognized patterns in my relationship with God and ways he has touched my life.

So I decided to write stories about ways God has spoken to me—specific messages in concrete situations. Part of what interests me are all the different ways God has spoken: through dreams and visions, through a Bible passage, through a prophetic word, through a discerning friend or family member, through a circumstance that acted as a sign, through a Quaker meeting for clearness, and through a talking donkey (just kidding about that last one—although it’s in the Bible). Often God has spoken through an inward nudge or sense. Holy intuition.

Not that I aways get the message right. I’m human and make mistakes. Sometimes a “message” doesn’t come from God. Even so, I’m listening and hopefully practice is giving me more discernment.

Anyway, I’ve got the stories and I’m typing them from my journals into a folder.

My journals are full of dreams. I don’t remember most of my dreams; often I wake up and try to capture a dream, but it flies out of reach and disappears. But some dreams stick around after I wake up, and I pay attention to those dreams. I write them down. Not all are to be considered messages from God. Probably most of them come from my subconscious mind and indicate a fear to be faced or some unresolved issue. These are helpful.

Sometimes God does speak through a dream. I’ve found a number of these in my journals. I’ll share one here. It’s “small stuff,” really, but it encouraged me at the time. If I were to give it a title, I’d call it “The Pooping Baby Dream.”

Background: It was 1999 and Hal and I had recently moved to Santa Cruz, Bolivia at the invitation of the Bolivian Evangelical University to begin a masters program in missions. We arrived excited, ready to work. We were assigned a team of interested faculty members and together began to design the program. But we soon ran into roadblocks, and disagreements with university personnel.

Bolivia is a lovely country, but it comes gift-wrapped in red tape. Even in a Christian university. Administrative hassles, squabbling between academic departments, requirements we didn’t understand, and so on. I guess this stuff is normal in institutions, Christian or not. To add to our difficulties, in order for the degree we would offer to be recognized, the Bolivian government had a long and complex process of legalization.

We grew weary and at one point questioned our call to this task.

The Dream: In my dream I had given birth to a new baby. She was beautiful, healthy, and big—the size of a three-month old at birth. She was smiling, cooing, eating applesauce, shaking her rattle. A very accomplished new-born. We loved her and she responded to us.

The only problem was that she was a super-pooper. Much more than normal. As soon as we changed her, she would fill up her diaper again. And each time, the poop made her heavy. She was hard to hold with all that weight. And of course it was all very messy. I don’t really want to describe that part, so I won’t.

But we loved her dearly and recognized her as a gift from God, in spite of the inconvenience of constant diaper duty. Hal assured me that she would outgrow it in time.

The Interpretation: I woke up laughing. Hal was already awake, so I told him the dream. His response surprised me. “Nancy! Don’t you see what God is telling us?!!!”

Well, no. I didn’t see it at all. It was just a funny and strange dream.

Hal went on to explain what had been instantly obvious to him, that God was encouraging us. He was saying that giving birth to something new and good was naturally a messy process. It was normal. We needed to cherish the gift of this opportunity, proceed through all the mess, and have faith that it would all work out in the end.

We both lay in bed laughing and praising God.

And it did work out in the end, but that’s another story.

I’m hoping that my collection of stories of God speaking can be an encouragement to other people someday, and occasionally give them something to laugh about. I’m glad God has a sense of humor.

Cherish the small stuff. Write it down.